This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
