I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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