We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
