Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
