i think i have herpe
just one?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
