I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Floor bacon is actually really good
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
