I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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