I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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