I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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