the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
pray to the hookup gods
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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