I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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