I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
