i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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