i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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