Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
We have started to decorate penises.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize