So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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