I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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