My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize