just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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