know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
It's no shave November. This is our time.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
