I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
