Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
