I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
