He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
