I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
