can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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