nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
