I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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