life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
