he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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