I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
