my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
