So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
