You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
