omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
