If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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