her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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