it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
