I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
