My friends, they love my intelligence
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
