thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
