Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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