I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
