i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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