The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
