How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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