Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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