1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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