i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
A bitchslap is in order.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
