This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
