I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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