I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
