I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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