she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
