god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
