found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I could fuck to npr.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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