I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
